All My Heart
by librawriter
Summary: Sequel to This Kiss.


**AN: Sequel to **_**This Kiss.**_** I worked ****very**** hard on trying to make this just right. Enjoy! **

All My Heart

_She'd quickly pressed a warm kiss against his neck, whispering fiercely, "I love you with all my heart, Spock" as they shared a final, brief embrace before he'd climbed aboard the hover craft to return to Vulcan. She'd watched him tearfully, hugging herself as the hover craft rose into the air, kicking back loose earth that swirled around her as it did. And there she had stood until she became a tiny dot in an endless blue, white and eventually black sky. The tears that pooled his own eyes the moment she'd disappeared were ones she would not see, would not know about until years later. _

_He hadn't returned the words to her, not because he did not feel them, but because he hadn't the time to process exactly what it might mean if he had. His feelings for his childhood friend were not concrete. They were not feelings he could accurately describe, based on nothing factual. _

_Some weeks later, Spock went to his mother, interrupting her favorite pastime of reading the ancient way, with actual paper volumes instead of using the electronic pads. Amanda Grayson put her book down and smiled at him. "Come in, honey. What's on your mind?" _

_Hands folded behind his straightened back, he asked her, "What would be the exact purpose of stating you 'love someone with all of your heart'?" _

_The corners of his mother's mouth twitched- a definitive move of hers when trying to withhold a smile. "The exact purpose? I believe it would be to let that person know that you care for them a great deal and you aren't afraid to let them know how much." _

_Spock's heartbeat accelerated at this explanation; he made a mental note of his response to the mere thought of Nyota caring for him a great deal, being completely unashamed to tell him directly. He felt strange, giddy. Was that what it was, then, to love? Was this normal, for a twelve year old human female to cause such a response from a fourteen year old Vulcan male when his thirteen year old future bride had not done so? Was it normal, these bewildering changes within when he thought of the human girl (approximately 42 times a day), had committed to memory the smell of summer and sand in her hair as their mouths opened and closed together behind the tree in her backyard, yet he could not recall the color of T'Pring's robes from the day before? _

"_Should such words be an exchange?" he asked his mother. _

"_If the feelings are mutual, then yes." _

"_But…these 'love' feelings…are not Vulcan." _

_His mother paused, resting her chin against the palm of her hand. "Is that what you believe, Spock?" _

"_I…I…am uncertain on the matter." _

_Amanda Grayson—very casually—returned to her book. "Well, I'm sure T'Pring would not have said the words if there weren't some sort of real feelings behind them—"_

"_It was not my intended who spoke the words to me." _

_Now his mother did smile, gently. "Oh, no? Then who did?" _

_Spock knew his blush was obvious now, so slowly, he retreated from his mother and her books. "I have no further comments," he'd said, and strode off before being pressed further by the one who knew him inside and out._

Perhaps I should have said it back to her.

_But he didn't get the chance that night as planned, because when he went to turn on his hologram device, it remained black and silent. To his dismay, it had broken. Neither of them had reached the age where they could have their own comms, so they had to rely on electronic messages sent through their digital notebooks used for school. It was revealed that Nyota's hologram device had shut down too. _

It will take time to complete another pair. I had to use various pieces of discarded materials from the school electronics lab, which is currently closed. I did not wire the internal structures as precisely as I had assumed.

It's okay,_ she'd responded. _We can still write each other.

_And they had, for a while; there were even a few phone calls on the family visual calling lines, along with some messages back and forth throughout the day on their digital notebooks, but even that eventually tapered off once the semester got under way. _

_The human half of Spock was saddened, missing his friend along with all of the bold requests she made of him, forcing him out of his private little shell. She freed him. He missed the large bright eyes that sparkled when she laughed. He missed the way she had thrown her arms around his neck after demanding that he kiss her more times than he had kissed T'Pring. He thought of that kiss often, the first real one of his life. _

* * *

Five years have passed since that kiss in Nairobi.

Spock is taller, wiser, broader shouldered. He uncharacteristically daydreams of the way Nyota must look now, at seventeen years of age. He has wanted to use his comm to call her so often, but could not find the courage to do so, year after year. Some Vulcans could be shy, and he was one such type, particularly when it came to females. He wants to call, but after five years of no contact, he deduces that too much time has passed between them, that she is an entirely different girl now. She's forgotten all about him, he convinces himself, and even in the event that she hasn't, who knows the way she might look at him now—perhaps with a sneer, the way his classmates sometimes do because he is only half of what they are. He has "human eyes". He doesn't fit in.

He had always "fit in" with Nyota. It was one of the things that bonded them to begin with, the fact that they were considered awkward by their peers.

He wonders if she has found a mate yet- wonders which males she is kissing "her way" behind her parent's home.

T'Pring is not fond of kissing the human way. She never touches him when they kiss by mouth, and she pulls away so quickly it's as if they haven't kissed at all. Even when they kiss the Vulcan way, it feels so cold, awkward. She reminds him of an ice queen. She is indeed beautiful, the object of Vulcan perfection, never a dark hair out of place nor a flaw on her smooth skin. She is clearly the pride of her parent's eyes, yet nothing warm emits from her in regards to her reception towards him. Spock cannot imagine her ever parting from him with tears in her eyes, the way Nyota had. He cannot imagine hearing her say to him, "_I love you with all my heart_."

She _is_ capable of affection, however. It is obvious in the way T'Pring behaves around Stonn, the sturdy and handsome Vulcan male that she blatantly stares at whenever they are in Assembly before classes officially start for the day. On several occasions, Spock has seen them talking in hushed whispers when they think no one is watching. Once, Spock catches T'Pring emerging from an abandoned classroom, tightening her robes and tugging her hair to one side, arranging it as carefully as she could with her slender, graceful fingers. Spock starts after her to inquire whether or not she was well, but moments later, Stonn exits the same classroom, and hurries off in the opposite direction. What does it mean? Is she having sexual relations with Stonn, when his own sexual urges were being denied? He had not the heart to come out and ask outright. An admission would only make his shame more pronounced; it would only ascertain further that he would never be accepted by her. She didn't love him at all.

"T'Pring may not be the most suitable match for me," Spock announces one night during the evening meal time. "I believe she prefers another male—"

"Then you are not courting her properly," his father interrupts stoically. "If she is distracted, you are not fulfilling your premarital obligations to her in a manner she finds satisfactory. She is of high caliber, Spock. It took much convincing in order to get her parents to consent to the arranged marriage. You will not be the only one who has an eye on her. You are lucky to have such a beautiful, intelligent bride to be. Do what you must in order to gain her highest favors. You _must_ woo her. You must make her see you are the right male for her, the one who will protect her and sustain her in a marriage once it is time."

Spock searches within for a better explanation to make his parents—his father—understand. "I cannot help but feel a natural disconnect from T'Pring, which I do not believe is a result of anything I have done or not done. Her feelings cannot be forced and neither can mine. I know that compatibility must be possible, though the only other female I have to compare T'Pring against is…Nyota. Despite the fact that I have not seen her in years, there was always a mutual—"

"I certainly _hope_," interjects his father again, in a slightly louder tone, "that you are not holding on to foolish childhood fantasies about being with the young daughter of the Uhura's on Planet Earth. So you two were quite close in your days of youth. Those days have come and gone. She is unlikely to leave her home and you are expected, as all Vulcan males, to pursue your education at the Vulcan Science Academy. You are more Vulcan than human, as you yourself admitted years ago. Your mother and I have chosen for you a Vulcan bride. Do not foul this necessary arrangement, Spock."

Spock silently turns his attention to his meal. His mother says nothing, but sneaks him her usual look of sympathy, as always, whenever discussions of Spock's future take place. It bothers him. He realizes that he is trapped here, alone. He's not as Vulcan as he always thought he was. Yet he knows not what to do about it, except try to please the ones who have raised him and given him such high expectation.

The next time Spock is at T'Pring's home and her comm goes off, he watches her read it quickly, just a hint of a smile on her face before swiping her finger across the screen, deleting the message. His father's words return to him and he says, "Would you like to establish more of a physical bond on this night?"

Clearly, he has caught her off guard. She blinks her perfect eyes, taken aback for only a moment before regaining her composure. Her eyes flicker over him haughtily before she rejects him with a casual, "I would prefer to wait until our formal ceremony."

He nods, replies, "Of course."

Later that night, before Spock prepares his body for meditation, he tries to sort his feelings on the engagement to T'Pring. Under normal circumstances, Spock would have the right to challenge the larger Vulcan, especially now that they were so close to graduation from secondary school. Spock and T'Pring were bonded, and Stonn's chosen bond mate was a petite female named T'Lua. All should have been content with the selecting of their elders, yet it was obvious all were simply following the will of their parents, not their hearts.

Spock feels somewhat of a hypocrite asking T'Pring to stop speaking with Stonn when he too has thoughts of another. Just because Nyota is millions of miles away, it does not justify his thoughts of her when they should be on his fiancé. His father has expressed displeasure at the thought of remaining in contact with Nyota, and perhaps it is not worth it. Nyota, like T'Pring, has selected a mate to her preference, and like T'Pring, that mate would be unlike himself.

He and Nyota would never be. He must make it work with T'Pring. Spock has no idea what Nyota's plans are for furthering her education, but he was to attend the Vulcan Science Academy, as was expected. It was logical, this plan. Nyota and any thought or fantasy about the two of them together was illogical.

* * *

Spock wonders one ordinary afternoon if he'll ever see Nyota again, when his comm alerts him to a message. To his complete shock (and delight) it's from her! She will be visiting Vulcan with a group of classmates for a tour of the Vulcan Science Academy—the last leg of a tour for the top seven post-secondary science schools in the M Class solar system. Nyota wants to know if he will be available to "catch up". (Her awkward phrasing, not his.) His fingers fly over the tiny keys, and without giving it a second thought, he offers lodging in his parent's guest home. Spock knows that his mother would love to see her, has spoken often of her. There is room for at least four, should she care to invite some classmates. She responds by saying that she will come but she will stay alone, as it will require special permission that she would gain, but only because of who their parents are.

He does not sleep at all the night before she arrives.

Spock is the only one home to greet her the next morning, and when the smaller hover craft lands in front of the walk, its door lifting up, he feels a wave of emotion for which he has no name. His stomach is in knots and his heart rate accelerates, yet he is...elated, to describe it precisely. He goes quickly out the door just as she is climbing down, and pulling her bags from the seat next to her.

Nyota.

She is the most beautiful thing he thinks he's ever seen. All the perfect words he has planned for when he sees her disappear. He can say nothing at all, and for a moment, he almost expects her to greet him the way she did five years ago, by jumping into his arms with such great force that they fell to the ground. He's known this girl since childhood, and once, long ago, they had kissed, but now that he's nineteen (in Standard Federation years), he's not sure if it would mean the same to kiss her now.

He's positive it wouldn't mean the same- it would mean _more_.

"Hi, Spock!" she says, all smiles, and he has to lean down to return the squeeze she gives him.

"Nyota," he greets her. There are breasts that press against his chest now; there are hips his hand rests just over where there were just hip bones before. Her hair is no longer in the wild ponytail or double plaits, but are now perfect looping curls bouncing past her shoulders. Spock takes her bags to avoid taking her hand. These thoughts are coming quickly, and he's not sure what to do with them, or how much has changed between the two of them. Surely she must have someone special back home. She _must_.

"Be careful with that bag, it's got my dress in it for the Gala!" she says.

"Gala?"

Her eyes—she wears makeup now that lengthens and thickens her lashes, making it nearly impossible for him to turn away—stretch wide. "Oh, _tell_ me you're going. It's being hosted by the Vulcan Science Academy as a conclusion to the seminars! That's all most of the other girls could talk about! I'm actually interested in the science aspect."

He remembers now. The formal dance to encourage mingling between all the international students vising the prestigious Science Academy. "Ah, I recall T'Pring telling me there was a formal event. We do not have such occasions normally, so it should be well attended."

"Right," she says softly, averting her eyes. "T'Pring. I forgot you're already, you know, with someone. Your fiancé, isn't it?"

Something inside of him lurches, almost as if he needs to regurgitate. "Yes," he suddenly feels sorry to admit. Because it's _wrong_. T'Pring is wrong.

"Will I get a chance to meet her? I'm here until Wednesday, so that's about two and half days-"

"Both of our schedules are rigorous and the hours, unpredictable. I am hesitant to give you an affirmative answer regarding meeting her acquaintance."

He leads Nyota to the guest house, scanning open the door and following her inside. They are quiet in the moments where she puts her belongings down and has a quick look around. "It's perfect. It's beautiful," she says, looking here and there until she ends up in the bedroom. Spock follows her, watching as she sets her shoulder bag down on the bed.

"I am very happy to see you," he tells her carefully, after only a few moments hesitation. He aches to be near her, closely by her side, not just now but always. It's unexpected that he would feel this way so soon after seeing her after so long, but it is a fact he cannot deny.

The smile she returns to him lights his entire world. "I'm very happy too, Spock," she says. She comes closer to him, standing on her toes to put her arms around his neck, holding him tightly. She always talked about hugging him, which he found illogical as a fourteen year old boy. Now, he understands the need completely, to be, as she once said, as close at possible. "I've missed you so much," she says softly. He is afraid of what might come from his mouth if he utters a sound, so he responds with his body, circling her waist with his arms, pulling her closer. Can she feel his heart beating with her being so near? He closes his eyes, and he knows in that exact moment why things felt so numb with T'Pring. It's because with Nyota, he comes to life, every single part of him.

She slips from his embrace, smiling up at him. "I want you to tell me _everything_," she says excitedly, sounding very much like the Nyota he had known years ago. She hops onto the bed, patting the space next to her.

"That would most likely take up a significant portion of your morning," he says, returning her smile. It's not something he's accustomed to, but then, this is the girl who always _could_ get it out of him.

"So?" she teases.

He obliges, and it's as if they never separated in the first place.

* * *

Nyota does not need prompting that, when staying as a guest in a Vulcan household, the guest is the one to prepare the first evening meal. She has a delicious vegetarian spread on the table just in time for his parent's return from their daily schedules. There are happy squeals of delight from his mother and Nyota both as they embrace. His mother has never embraced T'Pring, has never laughed with the joy in her voice the way she is doing now with Nyota.

His father is formal, polite, but Spock knows he does not approve of the obvious favoritism. Still, the evening meal goes well and everyone is pleased with Nyota's cooking. She begins to clear the table when Spock's mother insists she turn in for the evening.

"You have a pretty full day tomorrow, don't you?" his mother says. "You go on, Spock will walk you back. Get your rest. You want to impress everyone at the Academy and you can't do that if you can't keep your eyes open."

"I do want to impress the staff, but honestly, I've already been accepted at Starfleet Academy back on Earth, in San Francisco," Nyota says. "It's like the Vulcan Science Academy, except there are other directions you can specialize in before you're assigned five year missions away from home. I'm interested in the Xenolinguistics program."

Spock pauses. "There is a science academy on Earth?" he asks. "I was not aware."

"Oh, yes! It's relatively new. They based the model off of several of the science academies in M Class. It's extremely competitive but I've had my heart set on it since I was in eighth grade so I studied like crazy. I barely slept! It paid off, because I got a full scholarship, so I'll be starting in the fall. I'm so excited!" Nyota says.

"Congratulations, Nyota!" Amanda says, giving Nyota another hug.

"Forgive my bluntness, but why waste valuable time visiting the Vulcan Science Academy if you have no intention of attending the program?" Sarek asks.

Nyota glances quickly at Spock before she begins to clear some of the dishes away. His heart rate accelerates again, and he knows the answer before she even says it. "Well, Spock was my best friend when I was little. He and I haven't seen in each other in so long...and Dr. Grayson and I have always enjoyed talking to each other in different languages. I've never been to Vulcan, so I thought it was a perfect excuse to come. Who knows, I might fall in love with the Vulcan Science Academy even more than Starfleet. Don't you remember, Spock, the way I used to say I wanted to follow you to the VSA?"

He cannot take his eyes from her. "I do," he says.

She laughs. "And you would say it was illogical because it wasn't a school for humans-"

"My son was correct. A human female would find the Vulcan Academy extremely ill-suited."

Spock is ashamed at his father's obvious discouragement of Nyota trying to be near him. His jaws clench in anger, which surprises him, because his meditations should have allowed him to exert more control. Nyota, however, shows no indication of offense. She smiles, unflappable. "I know. Spock told me I'd be seen as impolite. But I'll be on my best behavior tomorrow. I won't ask too many questions."

"I've got the cleanup," Spock's mother says gently, removing the dinner plates from Nyota's hands. "It's already 22:00 hours. Spock, see that she gets to the guest house safely."

"An escort is unnecessary, especially for a Vulcan who is betrothed," Sarek says pointedly. "What harm can bestow Nyota on our property?"

Spock knows what his father is doing, and resents it deeply. He begins to respond, but his mother beats him to it.

"We have a _guest_, Sarek, and she is the daughter of one of our oldest friends. I see you forming your lips to tell me that 'Vulcans don't have friends' and I'm going to stop you right there because that statement, in your case, would be a bit of an untruth. You wouldn't let me touch the hand carved wooden chess set Dr. Uhura gave you for three months after you received it as a gift. From your _friend_. Now please let Spock escort his _friend_ to her room and then we can all get a good night's rest."

The stroll back is long enough for small conversation, but Spock is still tense and he's not sure how to talk around an apology.

"You okay, Spock?" Nyota asks softly after they have walked in silence for some minutes.

Spock tries to breathe evenly to calm himself. "My father…his behavior was _unacceptable_, Nyota. There was no need to mention my engagement in correlation with walking you to their guest home. I am tremendously disappointed by his comments and I apologize as much as I am able on his behalf."

"His home, his rules. That why my father always says. Don't be upset. I was raised to respect my elders, so if your father doesn't want you spending time with me, we don't really have a choice. I can just stay at the hotel with my classmates, it's-"

"No!" he says sharply.

"But your dad sees me as some kind of threat. I don't want to start any trouble!"

"For you to be a threat would indicate I am conflicted in my preference. My engagement to T'Pring is _his_ preference. It is not mine."

"What are you saying? You...you _do_ love her, don't you?" Nyota asks.

Spock is tired of the facade. Nyota has asked so he will answer, and for once know that he will be heard without condemnation. "We are not compatible. This is neither of our faults. She is doing her duty and I am doing mine. My father, however, does not have the authority to set every rule over my life. He cannot stop me from spending time with you if I choose."

She shakes her head. "I don't want to interfere with your plans for the future. I don't want _him_ to think I'm interfering. You have someone, and of course I will respect that to the highest degree."

They near the entrance to the door of the small house. Spock stands closer to Nyota, looking down at her beautiful face, her sad eyes. "You owe him nothing. Mother could sense his insolence. There is no reason to attempt the separation between you and I. If you asked it of me, I would stay with you...the remainder of the evening."

He reaches for her, gently, his fingers tracing her cheek. "He cannot keep me from you," he says softly. "No one can, if you asked of me to stay by your side."

It's the most honest about his feelings he's ever been. He's been withholding everything for far too long. Nyota was the first female besides his mother to tell him she loved him. He has held on to that, because he knows it was real. It was honest. She is honest. Now her eyes are wide with emotion. Her hand closes over his own, and before he knows it, he has turned his palm up, pressing it against hers. A Vulcan kiss, except now the feelings between them have magnified, stretching to include different sorts of feelings- loyalty, trust, longing, a profound, intoxicating sexuality.

"There is nothing I would not do for you. Ask of me," he whispers.

"We...we _can't_. Because of her. I did come here just to see you, and I stilll...I stilll...I don't know what to do!"

She takes her hand from his and covers her face, starting to cry. Her shoulders shake with sobs as she says, "Oh! Oh, I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I need to get it together!"

Nyota turns quickly from him, and the door, recognizing her from earlier, scans itself open as she rushes inside, throws herself down on the couch. Spock enters, and the door slides closed behind him. He has never seen such an emotional display before, and though he wishes to comfort her, he is unsure of how to do so. He stands still, just beside her, until she wipes her eyes and mumbles, "I'm fine. You shouldn't be here. You should go."

"Is that what you would have me to do?" Spock asks quietly.

"No. But it's not up to me." She looks up at him with glazed over eyes. "I want you to do whatever makes _you_ happy. That's all I want, that's all I'll ever want, is for you to be _happy_."

Right words at the right time. He sits beside her on the couch. "Happiness is all I feel when you are near," he says softly. Going against every moment of training, every disciplined meditative activity he's performed to purge himself of feeling. "I…feel…for you, Nyota," he whispers, and now his head is pressed to hers, his hands running over her hair.

"Spock," she whispers, "How could we? You're promised to another woman. I'm going to Starfleet on Earth, that's light years from Vulcan—"

"I understand your choices. I too have made a choice. To end my engagement to the one I do not love. To offer myself body, mind and soul to the one I do love. I offer myself to you, Nyota."

"I accept," she whispers. "And I'm asking you to stay with me."

* * *

It was nothing like he expected, yet somehow it was a thousand times greater, a thousand times _more_.

"Don't hate me for this," she whispers, her breath hot in his ear, as their naked bodies lay tangled together.

"I love you...for life," he whispers back, then their words become the soft sounds of an experience that changes everything between them.

She whimpers with every thrust, he moans. They are kissing passionately as his seed empties inside of her virgin womb.

He thinks of many things that first time-the simple way he melts into her, and the complicated way she does the same into his life; he wonders just how quickly he will be able to transfer his first year credits to Starfleet Academy, on Earth, and the sure way his mother will weep when he leaves Vulcan; he thinks of the relief both he and T'Pring will feel to renounce their betrothal.

He thinks of the way he knows he will someday make Nyota Uhura his wife, and of the way he will always want her with all of his heart.


End file.
